


Where The Heart Is

by Lanfear



Series: MEKinkMeme Prompts [3]
Category: Mass Effect
Genre: It's a really sad ending..., M/M, Might no be that much of a happy ending, Other, filled prompt for MEKinkMeme, okay
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-06
Updated: 2014-06-06
Packaged: 2018-02-03 16:00:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,666
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1750373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lanfear/pseuds/Lanfear
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>MEKinkMeme fill for this prompt below:</p><p>I'm requesting a minifill based on this lyric from the Death Cab for Cutie song.</p><p>Suggestion: Postwar, Shepard is suddenly struck down by an aggressive disease. Everybody is shocked because she's certainly not "old" yet, and she's conquered Thresher Maws, Krogan warlords, Reapers, and even her own first death. It's unexpected to see her lose to a mundane illness. Everybody is so used to Shepard being the badass savoir that they find it hard to cope with seeing her so vulnerable. Many of the people in the waiting rooms are war heroes, but who has the guts to watch her die? </p><p>It can be about Thane, MShep or FShep. I don't care. Please just emphasize that watching somebody dying is a lot about uncomfortable waiting rooms, sleeping on pushed together chairs, crappy hospital food, and holding back tears.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Where The Heart Is

“Shepard?” Kaidan ventured tentatively.

“Mmm?” Shepard hummed distractedly. He couldn’t stop staring at his hands. They were…

“Is something the matter, John?” Kaidan asked again as he reached out, worn hands brushing against the edge of his skin.

“I-“ Shepard began but that was all that he managed to get out as his body was picked up by an invisible hand, shaken like a wet rag.

Shepard screamed, his voice tearing through the still air of their bedroom as he shook. His teeth clacked painfully against one another and his muscles seized up. Pain blossomed across his muscles as he rolled onto the floor, the thunk of the wooden veneer against his hip a soothing throb against the absolute fire raging through him. His mind shattered under the force of the pain.

“Shepard!” Kaidan yelled hoarsely as he tried to grab at the man, his husband. Tried to right him up. “Oh god, John!”

“Papa?” a tiny voice called from far away.

Kaidan whipped around, pausing just long enough to stare at their daughter, Ashley, framed against the door to the main hall. Her face was white and her eyes were wide as she continued to stare at her father’s convulsions

“Sweetie,” Kaidan breathed out in a harsh gasp. “Get help! Get Mordin!”

A panicked glance and their little of bundle disappeared, screaming at the top of her lungs for Mordin, their VI assistant that ran through the entire household.

“K-- Kai--" Shepard ground out but that was all that he managed to get past his traitorous lips as they clenched around his teeth.

“Shh,” Kaidan said as he cradled his shaking lover in his lap. “Shh, John. I’m here. I’m here.” Kaidan continued to muttered useless platitudes even as the tears of frustration pricked at his eyes and rolled down his cheek, splashing helplessly against Shepard’s fevered skin.

*

Kaidan watched as the medical gurney pulled into the operating theatre ahead of him, a place where he could not go. Only his heart followed, leaving him feeling hollow and wrung out. He continued to stare at the doors as they slid silently shut, closing off the sight of Shepard from him as the sounds of the hospital suddenly intruded, unwelcome and harsh.

“Papa,” Ashley said, tugging gently on his hand. “Is papa… Is papa going to be…”

Kaidan let loose a tired breath, bending over to pick up his errant young daughter, vaguely noticing the tears in her eyes through the veil of wetness that covered his own.

“I…” Kaidan began, hugging his daughter fiercely. “Papa is… He’s not feeling well and-“

“No,” Ashley sobbed. “I don’t… I don’t want papa to die! Papa can’t die!”

Kaidan was touched by his daughter’s adamant hope and fervent belief. Despite the bone weary tiredness and the ache in his chest, Kaidan felt the corner of his mouth twitch up in a smile, a reassurance for his child as much as for himself.

“You’re right Ash,” Kaidan said, pausing just briefly to wipe the gathering tears out of his eyes. “Papa won’t die. He’s so strong. Like a krogan.”

“Papa’s a krogan,” Ashley confirmed with all the strength of a ten-year-old.

“That’s right sweet heart, “ Kaidan offered with a weak smile. It was all that he had left to offer.

Holding her tight against his body and feeling the comforting warmth emanating from her, Kaidan hugged his daughter as he made his way over to the waiting room, the steps of a sleepwalker leading him into the unknown.

He did not know how much time passed, sitting there in the bustling area, barely able to force himself to watch the doctors and nurses come and go, looking but not seeing the fearful faces of family and loved ones. His eyes glazed over as his thoughts churned, feeling inadequate and weak as he had never felt before. He was sick with worry and dread, feeling it gnaw within him like rot, and he could feel his mind trying to sluggishly process everything that had come up to this point, even as his heart beat faster and faster, limbs hot with his pulse. The moisture pricked at his eyes, but he refused to scrub them away, knowing that just the hint of sensation there would trigger a cascade of emotion. No, he had to hope. He deserved to be happy with Shepard, till the end of their days. They deserved that, after everything they had gone through. He did not know, until the lights around him seemed to dim, fitting his mood perfectly, the soft cries of sorrow surrounding him and a gentle tap, knocking on his shoulder. Kaidan turned abruptly as the feeling came back, trying to decipher to blue blob before him as it resolved into a calm and familiar face.

“Liara?” Kaidan blurted out.

“Kaidan,” Liara said in neutral tones. “I’m… so sorry. I came as soon as I… caught the information.” She turned slightly at the fact that something so personal had been accessed by her, but Kaidan didn’t care right now in the least, just glad for another old friend to share in his worry.

“No it’s… It’s alright, Liara,” Kaidan huffed as he dashed the tears from his eyes roughly. “I… How long…”

“A day since… well, since I picked up the emergency,” Liara admitted.

“A day?” Kaidan blurted, alarm shooting through him. The panic settled quickly as a warm body shifted away from his lap, reminding him that Ashley had curled up there while they had waited. So not really a day then, but to him a lifetime.

“Papa?” Ashley spoke up to him, wiping the sleep from her eyes. “Papa, I’m hungry. And I need to go to the bathroom.”

“I’ll take her,” a voice called out from the side. Kaidan felt a hand reach soothingly around his shoulder as Ashley turned at the sound of the voice, her own suddenly elated and in awe.

“Aunt Jack!” Ashley called out loudly.

“That’s right, squirt,” Jack teased, using the nickname she had given Ashley when the tattooed biotic had spent the weekend with them during one of the rare times she had broken away from her work. “And how many times have I told you not to call me Aunt? For f-… fish’s sake. Just Jack.”

“Okay, Aunt Jack!” Ashley shot out, unaware of the swirling mood that hovered around the woman.

Jack smiled down once, briefly at the child, before turning her sharp gaze onto him.

“Buck up, Alenko. It ain’t over till we say it’s over,” Jack threw him a withering glare that had him smile, despite himself.

“Of course, I… Thank you. Jack,” Kaidan said in earnest.

Jack waved his gratitude away as she biotically lifted his daughter up to hover up beyond her shoulders. Ashley’s laughter rang through the waiting rooms, an odd sound indeed, as Jack went to fulfil the child’s desires. Kaidan clung onto the sound of his daughter’s laughter like a life line. He continued to watch the two move off, until the sound of a multi-tonal grunt intruded in.

“Ahem,” that oh-so-familiar voice said at last. “So, what is it this time? Couldn’t get that coffee jar open in time again? Or were you two having biotic antics in the bedroom again? No, I… don’t really want to know.”

“Keelah,” another voice cut in. “This isn’t the time Garrus.”

“Of course, of course,” Garrus amended.

“No,” Kaidan said feeling suddenly tired again. “No it’s alright. It…” Kaidan hesitated for a moment, unsure of how to continue. He merely stared sightlessly at his two old friends, standing side by side.

“Well,” Garrus broke in, obviously uncomfortable with the continuing silence, “If I know Shepard, we’ll not only see him striding through those doors, he’ll probably have a baby thresher maw in his hands, asking if he can keep it.”

“I told everyone I could reach,” Liara said quietly as Kaidan cast a quizzical look at the trio. Kaidan merely nodded at that.

“I’d like to see a baby thresher maw fit into a place like this,” a deep, booming voice echoed suddenly.

“Wrex…” a decidedly more feminine tone admonished.

“What?” Wrex asked as he turned to regard his wife, the chief shaman Urdnot Bakara. “I’m just saying.”

“Can we… Can we all just please… sit down?” Kaidan said at last, overwhelmed by the steady trickle of friends coming in and unsure of how he could handle even more voices filtering in through their already thin conversation.

“Goddess,” Liara quipped up, silencing everyone else. “Of course, Kaidan. Please.” Liara gestured to the cheap, monotonous seat about them, all uniform in size. Garrus and Tali took theirs almost immediately, glancing around expectantly at the empty spaces around them. Liara was quick to follow suit and patted the seat next to her in an endearing and comforting way. Kaidan was still too strung out to acknowledge the gesture, but he sat down in the offered space between his friends anyway. Wrex and Bakara glanced sceptically at the cordoned off, claustrophobic spaces, any one that was smaller than half of their posterior size itself, and shook their heads instead, remaining standing as everyone’s attention focused solely on Kaidan.

“Is it bad?” Liara whispered softly as Kaidan stared down at the floor.

“Bad…” Kaidan confirmed, trying and almost failing to swallow the lump in his throat as emotion swelled. “I… I hadn’t seen anything like it before… I mean, he’s Shepard. First human SPECTRE. Saviour of the Citadel and Slayer of Reapers. I didn’t… I didn’t even think that…”

“It’s not your fault, Kaidan,” Tali said in soothing harmonics.

“I mean, a few years ago,” Kaidan pressed on, unwilling to let Tali’s concern break his composure. “He had a… He had some problems, getting up in the morning. Moving around. He… He tried to hide it from me, but I saw, I knew and he… He laughed it off. Battle scars and everything else.”

“You couldn’t have known,” Garrus quipped up.

“He was always so strong,” Kaidan whispered so softly that everyone else had to lean in closer. “Stronger than… Stronger than anyone, anything, that I’ve known and… and…” Kaidan swallowed, his vision blurring through stinging salt. A warm hand pressed down softly onto his back, moving in slow circles, like Shepard had always done. But it wasn’t Shepard. Kaidan fought the urge to shove the hand away.

They continued to sit that way, the minutes dragging agonizingly through and around them. Kaidan shifted in his uncomfortable seat, feeling the bite of cheap plastic and metal across his frame. Conversation filtered through around him, words that held meaning to everyone else but him. His mind’s eye continued to stare inward, tracing out a different reality as he flogged himself with his guilt and regrets. New voices joined the old, some that he knew he should have recalled, others that seemed painfully obvious. All of them, paused as they drew nearer to him, and he didn’t bother looking up as the people around him passed on quiet words and more of the emptiness around him began to fill up, Shepard’s extended family. But within, he still felt hollow and cold.

The minutes turned into hours as Kaidan forced himself to remain where he was, a private penance for his inaction. How could he have known? Shepard had survived death, had gone through hell and back, fought the devil and won them heaven. This was the repayment that he got for all of his sacrifices? A life, cut short, by a cruel and unfair swing? Kaidan felt his nails dig into his palms as the thought refused to leave his mind and he hounded it relentlessly.

At some point, someone placed a tray of food in front of him. He could only sit there, staring at the lumpy forms of green and grey, of the unappetizing pallor and textures that covered the surface of metal that hovered before. He ached to knock the impediment away, wished for nothing more than to see the nothingness of the floor before him, so that he could continue to chase the images in his head, of the times both good and bad, vitally important. He shook his head slightly, not surprised as the tray of tasteless hospital food hovered for a second more before moving away, and he resumed his vigil. His mind swung between despair and hope, trying to place reason in an unreasonable situation. His mind wandered and he was emotionally and mentally exhausted, but he refused to give in to the temptation. He focused on the crisp smells assaulting his nostrils and the biting cold that seemed to sink in, deeper and deeper into his limbs.

“Mr. Alenko?” a soft yet strong voice called out suddenly. Conversation halted to a stop as the shuffling of clothes ruffled the air. The creak of seats told him that some had been reclining, passing the hours in silence. A thought went out to his daughter, Ashley, no doubt cold and hungry and missing her father’s presence, but deep down, Kaidan didn’t want his daughter to be anywhere near him if the universe decided not to dollop out a miracle for him.

“Yes?” Kaidan said, looking up and muttering his first word in hours. His voice was hoarse and cracked and he cleared his throat as he stood, moving like a ghost to stand before the doctor.

The doctor blinked at his abruptly before glancing down at the data-pad in his hand. He scrolled through some words and numbers there, seemingly at a loss of what to say. The bespectacled man glanced up once more, taking in his neutral expression before continuing in a surprisingly steady voice.

“Mr. Alenko,” the doctor repeated. “I am Doctor Carson. I’ve been in the Operating Theatre with Commander Shepard for some time now and he’s just come out of surgery.”

“Please, doctor,” Kaidan cut in, almost a habit. “It’s… It’s just Shepard. He left the Alliance a few years back.”

“Of course, I understand,” Doctor Carson said kindly. “But it is a measure of my respect that I would address him as the man that he was when he saved us.”

“Please doctor…” Kaidan said, not wanting to be rude, but desperately needing something more than small talk.

Doctor Carson sighed, removing his spectacles and letting them dangle carefully on the supporting cable that hung around his neck.

“Commander Shepard is suffering from an unknown condition that resulted in toxoplasmosis,” Doctor Carson said in professional tones. “There is an infection in him that is flooding his body with radicals that we are unable to identify. On a secondary note, there is… something unusual about his physiology. It appears his immune system is strong, fighting the infection desperately, but so far as we can tell, the potency of his seizure indicates that his system is reaching its limit in that regard.” The doctor paused, looking up at him expectantly.

Kaidan blinked, already forgetting the words that had passed between them.

“Yes, doctor, I understand,” Kaidan said in smooth tones. “But what does that mean? I mean, when… He’s alright now, right? When can we take him home?”

Doctor Carson cast a nervous glance behind Kaidan’s back, tracing the figures that had loomed up behind him. He rubbed absently at his coat as he cleared his throat, pausing before his mouth opened with time-stopping slowness.

“I’m sorry, Mr. Alenko,” Doctor Carson began slowly. “But from what we can tell, Commander Shepard is dying.”

A sharp sound cut through the deathly silence around them. It was a stifled, hiccupping sound. Kaidan felt something firm clamp around his shoulder, mere seconds before another one clamped down on his arm. Kaidan heard the sound again, this time louder and with more force, like it was just behind his ear. It sounded horrible, like all the pain in the world, all the loss and suffering, bundled into a tiny, tight ball, as it exploded out in force. It was only when his world turned sideways that he realized, his throat was raw, his limbs couldn’t move. The doctor disappeared as vision left him.

It was only then that he realized, the sound was coming from him.

“Dios, that’s not possible,” a heavy voice cut in as the hand on his shoulder clamped down even harder. “Loco… Loco can’t die. This is Commander Shepard we’re talking about pendejo.”

“Don’t you say that,” Kaidan bellowed out, only processing the words that slipped into his head. “Don’t you fucking say that!”

“I’m sorry, Mr. Alenko,” the doctor said with heavy grief.

“Run the tests again,” a cool, feminine tone cut in. “I worked to restore this man from the edge of death. We can pool every available resource, every scrap of knowledge. We have the entire galaxy at our disposal. We can save him.”

Kaidan fell to his knees as the tiny flame within him, guttered and shook, growing slightly at the words.

“I’m sorry miss but I don’t think that you understand-“ Doctor Carson started but the voice cut in smoothly.

“I am Miranda Lawson, heir to the Lawson fortune and everything that comes with it,” Miranda broke in with smooth ice. “I think, doctor, that you don’t understand, who exactly we have present in this room for you to be making assumptions like that.”

Kaidan looked up, tear-streaked vision pinning the man before him. Doctor Carson shook his head abruptly.

“I’m sorry, Miss Lawson,” Doctor Carson replied morosely. “Truly I am. But there are too many variables, too many influences affecting a situation like this. During the operation, we noticed a substantial amount of cybernetics laced through Commander Shepard’s vital systems. We believe that they are part of the problem. The infection… is bio-mechanical in nature. As I’ve said, we’ve never seen anything like it. As it destroys his organs, so too does it seem to be shutting down the devices that are keeping him alive. From what we can tell… The infection seems to stem from these cybernetic implants.”

A dull hush swooped through the assembled group.

“That’s… that’s not possible,” Miranda broke in at last, all false bravado.

“You may take a look for yourself,” the doctor broke in with resignation. “As someone who has such specializations, you should have no trouble understanding the data streams.”

Miranda snapped up the data-pad flicking through the information as she worked to understand. Kaidan stood up, shaking the hands that held him as he turned to regard the woman. He felt cold and brittle, feeling the cracks in his composure widening as Miranda’s eyes grew larger and her face grew paler.

“No,” Miranda blurted out at last, scrolling back and forth aimlessly through the data. “No, those parts cost billions or credits. They were-- are full proof. Nothing can tamper them, nothing that exists in this galaxy…”

“The Reapers are not from this galaxy,” Javik’s resonant voice intruded. “We all know the condition that the Commander was found in. Infection is a common probability.”

“That’s not possible…” Miranda cut in with disbelief.

“Why are you so sure of that, human?” Javik snarled. “Do you believe yourselves so superior that you are infallible? Stupid primitives. This is their doing, their corruption.”

Kaidan felt the flame within him die, the cold wind of truth sweeping it away like a bothersome pest.

“Enough,” Liara broke in with quiet steel.

“If you’ll excuse me,” Doctor Carson intruded. “I need to do some follow-ups. If you want to see him… now might be the best time…” And with that, the doctor let the sentence trailed off as he moved swiftly away from the stunned, assembled group.

“Spirits, this can’t be happening,” Garrus chimed in at last.

“Bah, what the hell are you pyjacks talking about?” Wrex growled out. “If you’d asked these idiots two years ago, they would have said Shepard should have been buried rather than saved. Now, I expect simpering idiots to fall for this, but this is Shepard. Shepard can do anything. There is nothing, in this galaxy, or the next, that will keeping him down.”

“He’s right,” Grunt voiced up, surety in his tone. “My battlemaster is not this weak. Even the Reapers weren’t able to stop him, why would they be able to now?”

“Perhaps…” Anderson spoke up slowly, the doubt stronger in humans than most.

“It is difficult to admit,” Samara said in her usual, calm voice. “But I am inclined to agree. Having lived near a thousand years, I still cannot find it within myself to do naught but hope. I believe that if there is a way, Shepard will find it, as he always does.”

“He’s not a god,” Anderson chimed in. “He’s not indestructible. He’s human. He’s just like the rest of us.”

“Keelah, I don’t know…” Tali voiced uncertainly.

“What if it’s not?” Kaidan breathed at last. Everyone else turned their attention towards him, words halting and falling back down the lips that would have given birth to them otherwise.

“Kaidan?” Liara spoke up.

“What if… What if this is it?” Kaidan whispered in a shuddering breath. He should have felt… cold. Despair. Anger. But he couldn’t feel at all. It was like someone else was speaking in his stead. “What if he can’t? What if this is… our last chance… to say goodbye?”

“Now wait a minute son,” Anderson spoke up immediately. “We don’t know that for sure. I mean, hell, we could-“

“Admiral Anderson is correct, Kaidan,” EDI intruded suddenly. “While the probability of success is minute, there does exist a possibility. While it would be prudent to assume so, it is also possible that Shepard is inherently stronger than-“

“Kaidan,” Garrus broke in. “You’ve obviously forgotten how stubborn your husband is. You can bet ten years of your life that Shepard is probably in that room there, smiling, waiting for us to bust him out.”

“Kaidan…”

“Kaidan, we should just…”

“Papa… Papa’s a krogan, he…”

“Fuck Alenko, just…”

“Enough!” Kaidan snapped out, drowning the crowd. He stared at them all fiercely, pinning their gaze one by one. “None of you? None of you will even try?”

The realization of the question struck them slowly and the emotions that swirled were thick and heavy. Kaidan felt his heart beat slowly in his chest, his blood thick and sluggish. This couldn’t be happening. This shouldn’t be happening.

Without another word, Kaidan turned, marching through the doors and toward the wards. His clattering footsteps were the only company that he had.

*

Kaidan paused at the edge of the doorway. He could almost believe that he was in a dream, more a nightmare. It felt unreal, his presence at the other side of these doors and for a moment, he felt a strange sense of displacement hit him as he imagined, all those years ago, when he and Shepard had been in different positions. But then, things had been better, had been brighter. As long as they had each other, even the possibilities of one another, and everything felt like it was going to be okay. This time was the same, but oh so different. This time, there wouldn’t be comforting hugs and small talks, shared over a surprising gift of whiskey. This time…

Kaidan slid the door open, feeling his throat close at the sight of the man.

Shepard had aged a lifetime over the course of one day.

Kaidan felt like a sleepwalker. He paused to take in the streaming artificial light, barely flicking his glance toward the windows that showed the Presidium Commons. The weather was bright and sunny, chatter and bustling peoples walking and living. Kaidan felt like his tears should have wrung him out, felt like his hate should have seared the world away. Why? Why was it so beautiful out today when the most important part of his life was fading from his grasp? Kaidan felt his knees bump the edge of Shepard’s bed, not even realizing that he had closed the distance.

“Shepard?” Kaidan called out in a weak and trembling voice. “John?”

The figure in the bed stirred slightly at the sound of his name. Kaidan held his breath, almost half expecting Shepard to crack his eyes open and given him his perpetual cock-sure grin, sitting up abruptly and laughing at the expression on his face.

A wet, wracking cough, coloured the air.

Kaidan felt the cracks within him widening.

“John,” Kaidan called out again, breath catching as his throat began to close up. It was getting hard to breathe, hard to see. He sat himself down, running a careful hand against the other man’s hands. When had they been so thin? When had Shepard’s skin been so weak? Riddled muscles and brittle bones, Kaidan hesitated to even give some small measure of comfort.

“Kai… dan?” a weak sound intruded in on his despair.

“John!” Kaidan blurted out, fighting back the tears desperately. It wouldn’t do for Shepard to see him like this. “You’re awake!”

“I… ‘Course I am…” Shepard offered weakly, coughing slightly as his lungs stalled and breath abandoned him. Kaidan felt his heart shoot into his mouth and plummet toward his feet.

“Please John,” Kaidan spoke up at last. “Don’t… Don’t speak unless you’re feeling up to it, alright? Please just… just save your strength.”

“Got a lot of strength Kaidan,” Shepard murmured weakly, trying to bring Kaidan’s hand up to place a chaste kiss, but even that amount of motor control was already gone from him. “You… you’re my strength…”

“I am…” Kaidan affirmed, not caring now that his voice was breaking. Like his heart. “And you… you’re my… everything…”

“Not everything…” Shepard breathed weakly.

They shared a companionable silence as the words trailed off. Kaidan let it swell around him before brutally pushing it aside. He couldn’t stand this silence.

“Ashley…” Kaidan spoke up at last, trying to search for a topic. “Ashley wants to see you and-“

“No,” Shepard coughed. “No, don’t… She shouldn’t have to see… Kaidan I’m dying… I don’t want our daughter-“

“No, Shepard!” Kaidan growled out, shaking his head vehemently. His trailing tears flew through the air to fleck Shepard’s pallor. “Don’t say that, John. You’re going to get better.”

“Kaidan, I’m really…” Shepard began but Kaidan refused to listen.

“Don’t say it!” Kaidan bellowed. “You’re Shepard. Commander Shepard. You are my husband. You and I… we fought through hell and back, thick and thin. Dammit Shepard, you have to fight! You have to survive. We…” Kaidan swallowed his words, swallowed his bitter pain. “We have a life to live, a daughter to raise… You can’t… you can’t leave me Shepard. John. I lost you once, after Ilos. I lost you again, after London. You came back. You always came back! I… I need you John. Please, fight, for me.”

Shepard let the words wash over him, the raw hurt and pain, and in a surprising counterpoint, Shepard smiled softly as Kaidan trailed off.

“Kaidan…” Shepard breathed quietly. “I’ve… I’ve always been fighting… for you. Everything… I… Everything was always for you. For us.”

“Fight now, John,” Kaidan said fiercely, feeling his heart flail in his chest. “One more fight, soldier. You have more to live for, now more than ever.”

Shepard shook his head slowly, chest heaving with the sudden effort to draw in more air. “I’ve had you… Since… Since then… Eden Prime… After. All those years ago. I always had the most then, as I do now…” Shepard smiled at him again, love and tenderness taking some of the pain away from his features.

Kaidan wanted to take the man’s hands in his own, wanted to nuzzle against the familiar warmth. Shepard would fight, he would fight now, even harder because…

Kaidan’s eyes widened as realization struck him like a hammer blow.

“You knew,” Kaidan whispered thickly. “You knew for years. You’ve been fighting it, this… this sickness, all this time…”

Shepard gazed up at him, an unreadable expression on his face. He nodded his head, once.

“Why…” Kaidan whispered. “Why, John? Why didn’t you tell me? Why didn’t you let me help you?”

“It would… have happened anyway,” Shepard wheezed and Kaidan felt alarm as he imagined Shepard’s voice growing fainter. “This way… you didn’t have to worry. We didn’t have to ruin the life that we built… together… with this in between us. It was everything… It was all I could give to you… You always wanted a normal life and, for a while there… we did.”

“Dammit, Shepard… Dammit, John…” Kaidan felt the muscles in his chest clench and heave. He had to but he couldn’t. It couldn’t be stopped, couldn’t be controlled. Hot tracks seemed to burn his cheeks like acid.

“It was…” Shepard breathed, “The best years of my life.”

“John…” Kaidan sobbed. His voice seemed a ragged tear in the air and he could barely breathe himself. His eyes hurt, his limbs ached and his head was a throbbing mess. Only his chest, the small cavity where his heart was, felt empty and silent. His heart was dying. “Please John… I can’t… I can’t do this without you… I… Ashley needs you. We need you.”

“She needs you Kaidan,” Shepard whispered. “Take care of our daughter.”

“We can take care of her together,” Kaidan dragged out.

“We will. We did…” Shepard said with a faint twinkle in his eyes. Kaidan felt the man’s hands grow heavier in his own. Panic welled up within him.

“John? John!” Kaidan blurted out, almost throwing the man’s name at him.

“Tell her I love her, Kaidan?” Shepard wheezed, almost unheard. “Tell them I’m sorry… And… I’m sorry, love. I’m sorry I couldn’t…” A fit of coughing cut the words short.

Kaidan left one hand on Shepard’s own, pulling up his omni-tool with his other. “This is Kaidan Alenko. I’m in ward 418. I need medical assistance. Someone, doctor. Anyone!”

A sudden burst of strength seemed to shoot through Shepard and Kaidan gasped as his husband’s hand gripped him with fiery intensity. Kaidan felt himself pulled practically on top of the man that lay before him.

“Take care of yourself Kaidan,” Shepard said softly against his lips. “I love you. No matter where I go, what I may be, I’ll wait for you Kaidan. Hold on, be strong. I’ll find you. I love you… Kaidan.. I…” A brief brush of their lips and that feeling, the intensity, Kaidan knew, would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“John,” Kaidan whispered against the man’s lips. “John?”

Kaidan pulled the man in for another kiss but he pulled back with a startled sound, tears streaming across his face.

Cold. Shepard was so cold.

Kaidan grabbed the man by his shoulders, not-so-gently shaking him.

“Dammit John, get up. Get up soldier!” Kaidan wailed. His usual sandpapery voice was ragged now, more tree bark than velvet. Kaidan shook Shepard again. “Shepard! Shepard! Get up soldier, that’s an order! That’s a god damned order!”

Shepard lay still in the bed, the only movement from the man coming from Kaidan’s trembling hands. Kaidan should have felt horror, loss, something, anything. But nothing that he had felt in his life, would ever even compare to the sight of Shepard like this, before him. A hand span away, but forever apart.

“Help,” Kaidan yelled out hoarsely. “Help me! Somebody! Help!”

He sounded like a wounded animal as the words tore themselves out of his throat. He tried to swipe at the stream of tears, but they came unending. He couldn’t see his love. He couldn’t see.

“Help me,” Kaidan sobbed, pressing his face up against the coolness of Shepard’s skin. It was gone. The heat, the soul, everything of the man he had come to love. They should have had more time. They needed more, deserved more. “Somebody please… help me… Help me… Oh god, John… Somebody… I love you John, don’t… Don’t go… Please. Somebody! Help me!”

Kaidan’s scream seemed to pour fire into his lungs. His tears, his sorrow, couldn’t be contained now. Not now, not ever. Kaidan howled his despair, roared his loss. It was a pittance compared to the emptiness inside of him. And all he could do was grasp at the body in his hands, desperately trying to bring life back into him as he called for somebody, anybody.

It was an age before hot hands pressed up against him, tearing him away. He fought them hard. His skin tingled as his biotics flared. It was a moment more before they clashed against other tastes of dark energy, but he didn’t care. He lashed out, lost to himself. He needed Shepard, his partner and husband, friend and lover. Ashley needed her father. He wouldn’t let go. He was a soldier too, he would fight to find Shepard, to bring him back. He wouldn’t lose this fight. But the force trying to separate the both of them were overwhelming and at last, he felt his body shut down as figures, inconsequential things, swarmed around him.

All those times, in the war, Kaidan had always tried to make sure that Shepard was sane. Was safe. Everybody needed Shepard. Everybody it had seemed, except himself.

And now? Now he felt foolish. He should have admitted that he, above all, needed Shepard more than he would care to admit. And that time was done now. Love. They had had love. There were good times, the best times, and the worst. It was a balance. And sometimes love? Well, sometimes love meant watching the person you love die. It was a duty to that person as much as loving and living with them had been. Had love? They would always have love. Kaidan drew solace from that once, single, miniscule thread as the gulf between himself and Shepard grew ever wider. Somewhere out there, in an infinite universe, Shepard was already waiting. Waiting for him. And Kaidan would make sure, that even at the end of all things, they’d get that chance.

**Author's Note:**

> So yes, don't worry, I'm still writing (this goes out to all my loyal, wonderful readers who have been waiting so patiently for me to write my next work (collaboratively of course) with another reader of mine, Chasind.) Don't worry! That is still going to be on! We're fleshing out details as we speak, but I kind of hit a bit of a mental block so it's taking longer than I would like to pump out more ideas and connectivity. So I took a break, let my mind wander, and ended up in the KinkMeme. Again. Lol!


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